I am Held. Again, and Again, I am Held

open doorsEvery person is on a journey, and when we have our eyes fully open we see the non-linear nature of its path. The journey toward our desired destinations aren’t linear in the way we may hope. Often, they are filled with unexpected events, curveballs, twists and turns, and peaks and valleys, yet we wake each day and go about the business of moving toward change, toward contrast. We desire a reprieve, a break from a road that may have felt rocky for far too long. I can relate.

I now realize that I’ve experienced four life-stages in these four decades + three years. I’ve experienced building—the thing that usually happens when we become adults who pursue an education and career—, acquiring, letting everything go—including stability—in order to experience freedom, and rebuilding—the thing you do after you’ve become forever changed having chosen to be free and live by faith. Let me just say, this rebuilding stage has definitely been the most colorful. It is the stage where I am most hands-off and trusting in the flow of life. I no longer walk alone. I walk now with faith as my companion.

I have learned to see closed doors as openings, or should I say, I am learning. Some things are meant to be experienced through time and space, and not as a final destination. To learn, and to practice what we are learning, keeps us humble and grateful, something with which I have become increasingly intimate. My experience in having less, is humbling, and to be offered help, brings gratitude, and since leaving Mexico and returning to the States, I have experienced both.

I’ve experienced some pretty emotional moments while leaning on faith. Truth is, just because you trust and lean on life to guide you does not mean you will not be tried and tested. You will. And you will have to stand and walk through the uncertainty, after which you will forever be changed. We’re changed in a way where we cannot close that which has been opened to truth; nor can we un-see what has been seen. We can only be with what is or seek to forget, yet the very seeking keeps it alive and present. To deny is to keep; to accept is to release; and to surrender is to have faith no matter how things look and feel. I am keeping the faith.

I accept my journey. It’s the one I signed up for after all. I’m the one who chose to let go of all that I’d acquired over these four decades + three years and move to Mexico then Atlanta where I’ve been so close to the edge that I pray the wind stays at bay so that I not teeter to collapse. That is when I lean into my faith. When the weight is heaviest, I call on life’s Magic that I not fall into fear and lose that which sustains me. That instead my faith be renewed to a level that can only draw to itself all that is potent of God. I am not inside of life to fail. The Universe does not support my collapse or ruin. I am one with the vastness, because I ask to be, and because I choose it again and again even when I am knees buckling edge-close. My faith sustains me, and only those who know me deeply know the fullness of the way of my ginger walk. I am held by them, and I am held by life. For this, and for the Magic that is life, I am grateful.



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