Teetering on Losing Faith

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Image: Doug Johnson

Some days are hard. That’s the only way to describe them, not difficult or challenging, just outright hard. Still, we get through them. They pass in the same way that good days show up. All things are transient. They come and go, rise and fall, and ebb and flow. This is the way of life, and it is a test of strength when we are journeying the journey of faith, something I have been doing rather consistently these past two months. Let me just say, it ain’t easy, and today I felt myself teetering as though tipping over the edge into that strengthless place where faith is lost. I felt myself losing faith, and it is in that puddle that renewal happened.

Emotion has a way of overtaking us if allowed. There’s a thin line between feeling how we feel and succumbing to the weight of those feelings. Learning how to balance ourselves atop such a tightrope can feel futile. Still, we practice. That is what faith is: a practice. It isn’t a one stop shop where we pick it up, place it in our backpack and trot along. No. Faith is something we return to again and again as we navigate the valleys. It is in keeping our eye on the peek that we find the momentum to rise again from the puddle of our tears and return to our intentions. Still, it isn’t always easy.

I cried today, again and again as though the tears alone were prayers. Perhaps they were, a sort of liquid prayer to hold and carry me a bit further. Sometimes we just need to get from Point A to Point B; to find a way back to the present moment hoping to find peace. It took me hours to return to myself and to find a door that led me out of my emotion and into the space of rest. I rest still in the unknown. I take my faith and return it to the forefront of my vision that I might see my way through and not collapse inside the feelings connected to my perception of how hard something feels. I had to let go of not knowing when I would wake into the other side in order to have peace on the side of my current standing. Longing for anything other than the acceptance of what is, creates suffering. Suffering has a way of perpetuating itself until we accept the isness of now and sit in the presence of the present.

A few things occurred that reminded me that losing faith adds nothing and diminishes everything, and that going through is how we get to the other side. So, I picked myself up from the puddle of my tears and allowed gratitude to enter. I could feel a weight being lifted releasing me from the heaviness of my teetering, and a lightness of being restoring me. For that I am grateful. It allows me to say—with praise on my lips—my faith remains, and I remain in my faith.

 

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